I wish I could be a civil servant – retire early then rent yourself out as a consultant at exorbitant rates – While the index linked pension rolls in – I think I join a government pay review board that can allow nurses to keep visiting the food bank or get more money working in a supermarket by recommending a five per cent increase when prices are rising between ten and twelve per cent.
Here is an extract from my play Elizabeth Regina:
FADE IN A DINNER TABLE WITH EMPTY
PLATES BUT FULL GLASSES.
JAFFA
So, we’re trying to establish a new Citizen’s Assembly as you know. The politicians have been getting cash for questions and PPE equipment contracts for their relatives; lobbying to enrich themselves; putting out aircraft carriers without planes, submarines with the conning tower upside down and weapons systems not fit for purpose, that sort of thing.
ROBBIE
Robbie: Well, as you know from my resume, I’m a retired civil servant.
JAFFA
Well Robbie, you might have to say goodbye to your index linked pension if we get into power.
ROBBIE
Don’t worry, I retired at fifty-five; went back as a consultant and charged the government a pretty penny for my services, I can tell you. I made a fortune. That brought me a nest egg, which I invested in a private pension.
JAFFA
Well, that’s a relief of sorts, I suppose. Nothing wrong with profiteering from taxpayers’ money, is there? So, you offered your help to the community once you retired properly at 65?
ROBBIE
No, we just take holidays. Though when the last fuel shortage came along, I was worried.
JAFFA
Weren’t we all, my wife didn’t drive for three weeks, it was terrible? She had to take the train down to see her sick mother in Sussex, nightmare. Still, we all had to make sacrifices.
ROBBIE
Not me, oh no, laddie. As soon as I heard, I went straight out. Our petrol station had a limit of £30.00, I don’t normally tell white lies, but I told the guy behind the counter that I was going to visit my ill mother in France, and I got a full tank off him.
JAFFA
How resourceful of you. Well, I’m sure the Uber drivers and the those desperate to get to work appreciated your efforts. So, did you get your holiday? Did you have enough petrol?
ROBBIE
Oh, yes, we drove down to Deal in Kent, and all around and still had almost a full tank of diesel when we got back. The funny thing is my mother died ten twelve years previously but she still comes in useful. She recommended diesel.
JAFFA
Yes, sadly Gordon Brown favoured diesel over the less polluting liquid petroleum gas, our council, Wandsworth, had a whole fleet of LPG, Brown decided diesel belching out black smoke was better for the environment than petrol or less polluting LPG. He was Scottish, too. Just a coincidence I suspect.
ROBBIE
You talk in riddles half the time; I find it difficult to follow you at my age.
JAFFA
Never mind, I just thought with the national shortage of fuel and your wealth you might have taken the train to Deal and left some fuel for the next bloke but that’s why we’re having this meal to see who wants to help others rather than themselves.
ROBBIE
I want to help; I was hoping for a contract.
JAFFA
We’ll have to talk about that, but in the meantime, help yourself to a glass of wine, I’ve brought out my celebration wine, Margaux.
ROBBIE
Thank you. Don’t mind if I do.
(ROBBIE POURS THE WINE TO THE BRIM)
JAFFA
Wow, I’ve never seen a glass so full; Robbie, you’ve surpassed yourself, remember there’s many a slip between cup and lip.
(Turning to Malachiah)
What’s your role going to be Malachiah?
MALACHIAH
Social justice. If a statue is toppled into the sea, make another face from a foundry, if someone sets your flag alight, weave anew with colours bright, injustice must make you seethe. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.
JAFFA
That’s brilliant, we’ll call it the George Floyd Justice Department and we’ll show them what levelling up really means. Equality for all religions and races, classes and castes, genders, and persuasions. You’ll need help, I have a few people you should meet. Are you willing to work with them to make society a better place?
MALACIAH
Of course, we need to work together to achieve anything, I know that you know that, even Rebel Robbie knows it deep down. He’s just not aware as yet.
JAFFA
Robbie’s too far gone, I’m afraid So, the House of Lords will have to be replaced.
MALACHIAH
Yes, by an assembly of lawyers but of a far fewer number. Seize a knight and save the day, they’ll have to surrender their seats, their tax avoidance, and other cheats, their schemes and their flat flips, as well as their club memberships.
JAFFA
Stay playful. Lizzie must tell Derek the news I suppose.
MALACHIAH
He’s deaf in one ear so he might not hear.
JAFFA
Only Liz could tell her father that
she’s taking away his job.
